Less and More

4 Oct

A couple weeks ago I pinned an interesting looking blog series called “31 Days of Less & More”.  I really didn’t think much of it at the time and pushed it to the back of my mind.  Earlier today, I was on Facebook and a dear friend posted about the series and her blog post about Day 2.  As I read my friend’s post, I couldn’t stop my heart from jumping and my eyes from crying.

Day 2 is all about fear.  What we’re afraid of.  Why we’re afraid.  And what it means to be brave.  And it didn’t take me long to realize the feelings I’ve been having lately are almost all fear-related.

I decided to quit my job at the bank and stay at home.  It was great for the first week.  I didn’t feel the dread of having to get up at 5:30 am, be to work by 7:30 am and then spend the next 11 hours in an environment where I felt I didn’t help anyone with anything.  Sure, I ran people’s transactions and gave them their money, but it was not filling me.  I missed pouring myself into people.  And saw the opportunity to do that if I left the bank.  I could pour myself into my husband and our youth group.  I could pour myself into Lincoln and getting us healthy.  But as the days drifted on, less was getting done and I was feeling worse about leaving my job.

So now, let me tell you about my biggest fear: Not being able to have children.  And not just being able to give birth, but also not being able to ever adopt or foster.  And this fear lends itself to so many other fears.  Not being a good enough wife, not being a good enough person.  And when these fears weigh on me, I get sad and probably a little depressed.  And that just makes facing your fears even harder.

But the best part about this series is the encouraging “more” part.  Day 2 is also about courage.  Not just the, I’m-going-to-go-sky-diving-and-bungee-jumping, kind of courage.  The everyday, I’m-going-to-make-myself-better, kind of courage.  Which I think is sometimes harder.

How do I take my fear and become more courageous with it?  The answer to that question just leads to more fear.  Because, in all honesty, the hubs and I should probably start by going to see a doctor about not being able to conceive.  And that is TERRIFYING!  But it would also lead to starting on a path to getting answers.  And yes, they may be answers we don’t want to hear.  But we can then start the process of moving forward in whatever direction is best.

And until the hubs and I decide to move forward, I’ll tackle other smaller fears.  Like blogging.  Does anyone really read what’s going on here?  Would anyone care about the little things I love discovering and trying?  I guess I’ll never know until I try.  So come snuggle with me in my full size bed.  It’s bound to be a roller coaster of a ride!


6 Responses to “Less and More”

  1. Bekki October 4, 2013 at 10:08 am #

    Wow, that was beautifully written! (Much more elequently and with a purpose than mine!) Glad you wrote it, so I can help you be more courageous too!

  2. Megan October 4, 2013 at 11:13 am #

    Noah started kindy and everyone is asking me when I’ll be going back to work as if that’s just what I’m expected to do. It is a little lonely without him here during the day. However, I’ve been able to poor myself into my volunteer work. I enjoy a long walk every day. I clean my house watching last night’s Daily Show. Sure, at first it was hard to hit my stride, but I found that having something of a schedule helped. As for your worries about children, I’ll be praying. You have a huge heart and I’ve no doubt that children will find you one way or another.
    Also, we sleep in a full size bed. 🙂 It is quite cozy.

  3. Audrey October 4, 2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Thanks for opening yourself up like this and being vulnerable to the public. I really think you shouldn’t have a fear of blogging. In the end, blogging is for yourself, not anyone else. If you feel fulfilled and rewarded from the experience then it was worth it.

  4. Mom October 6, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    Dad and I will always read and care about everything you try and do! You have grown into a wonderful, young woman who has so much to offer to yourself, your husband, your families, your youth group, your church and anything else you choose touch. We love you!

  5. embodiedheartyoga October 7, 2013 at 2:52 am #

    I’m reading every post and a few I’ve read more than once. Love you!!!

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