22 May

Life has been full of ups and downs over the past year.  I met and married my best friend, made the big decision to move to Wisconsin, stood up with my brother at his wedding, found out I was pregnant and had a miscarriage.  So many things and only so much of me to go around.

While making our decision to move back to the Midwest, everything was jumbled together.  Stress from work, not seeing my hubby enough, and the grief of our loss all weighed on me and I wasn’t able to separate which feelings went with which situation.  While we met with our pastor to figure things out, she helped me realize that our loss was not part of the situation directly in front of me.  This made me see where I still needed healing and what I could take control of and change.

Our pregnancy was not planned.  In fact, we did everything we could to prevent it.  But when the two pink lines showed up on the test, we knew life would never be the same.  We were going to have a baby.  We were going to have to be responsible for the little life we had made.  We were going to be mommy and daddy.  We were scared and excited.

The day we found out is pretty much a blur.  I did the test right away in the morning.  I had to wake up Eric to tell him the news.  I know I did a second test sometime that day to confirm the first one.  The only thing that really stands out in my mind from that day is feeling my baby attach to me.  Physically attach.  It’s one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever had.  It made the whole thing real.  There was an itty, bitty baby securing itself to me; holding on for life.

The next weeks were crazy!  Work was insane.  There were groups coming in and out, kids running around camp, and numerous things that needed to get done.  I was trying to make sure everyone had what they needed, when they needed it.  I was trying to get as much rest as possible and eat the best that I could.  There is only one moment of morning sickness that really stands out.  Otherwise, it seemed to be a good start to a pregnancy.

The spotting started around my 7th week.  It was a Friday afternoon, and I was getting everything ready for the various groups coming in for the weekend.  I stopped to use the bathroom and discovered the spotting.  Tears started to well up in my eyes.  I went home and called the clinic.  I was told to go the ER and get checked.  A good friend took me to the hospital and waited with me until Eric got there (he was a good hour away).  We spent the next 5 hours in the ER, mostly waiting, to figure out what was going on.  It was about 11 pm when I’d finally had enough and told the nurse I was leaving in the next half hour if someone didn’t come tell us what was going on.  The doctor was there within 10 minutes with basically no information.  We were sent home to monitor the situation.

The bleeding became worse on Saturday.  I once again called the clinic and was told to rest and not do much.  The hospital called later that day and said the pregnancy test I’d take at the hospital was negative, but they wanted to do a blood test to confirm.  This would be the 2nd blood test in 2 days.  We found out later that evening, that yes, I was pregnant.  But the bleeding continued.  We somehow got through the rest of the weekend.  Monday rolled in and still bleeding.  We called the clinic again and I went in for another blood test.  We wouldn’t find out the results until my appointment on Tuesday – an appointment that had been scheduled shortly after we found out we were pregnant.  An appointment which should have been affirming life, but instead confirmed our biggest fear.  We had miscarried.

The rest of that week is also a blur.  We kept busy with other things that needed to get done, but didn’t do much else.  We held each other, cried together and decided to name our little baby – Emily Parker.  No, we didn’t know the sex of the baby, but Eric had a feeling it was a girl.  Giving our baby a name has been one of the best things we’ve done.  It’s also been one of the hardest.  I don’t think I’ve said her name out loud more than once.  But giving her a name acknowledges her life.

And although there is still pain, healing is happening.  And we know Emily is being taken care of in a better place.


6 Responses to “Pain”

  1. Danielle Dorrell May 22, 2012 at 8:48 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your miscarriage! Praying for you both as you heal!

  2. Jane May 23, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    You are both in prayers. Life is a roller coaster ride and some days we never know where the journey will take us! It is tough to experience this so soon.

  3. Elizabeth Thrond May 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm #

    I’m so sorry lady. I wish I would have known. My thoughts are with you two…

  4. Jenny May 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    Love you both. I wish I could have done more……long distance hug.

  5. cassie May 26, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    so, you already know i think you’re amazing…. BUT did you also know I think your blog is amazing?! you are so wonderful at crafting your stories.

    i’m glad you are talking about your pregnancy and baby Emily. hope it helps to bring healing.

    love you!

  6. lifeinafullsizebed May 28, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! They are much appreciated!

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